25 Unfiltered New Year's Resolutions
by Duke Harten
Read more. Reading enhances the mind and makes you seem interesting.
Stop listening to so much Bruce Springsteen. I don’t care what your dad says.
Get over your ex. Deep down, you know you can fart in front of anybody you want to. She’s not the only person with nostrils.
Recycle less. Global warming is going to happen whether you like it or not. Can you afford a Tesla? No. So just man up and start littering.
Learn to juggle. Get good enough at juggling and you might meet someone who you can fart in front of.
Stay in touch with family. Make them guess about whether you’ll be there at Thanksgiving. Temper expectations.
Tell your doctor the truth. Not, like, “I think your hands are too sweaty,” but, like, “Yes, I have more than 1-2 drinks when I go out.”
Work out. Not frequently or anything, and not at the gym. Maybe sign up for a pool membership and swim laps a few times before calling and telling the receptionist you have to cancel because you’re moving.
Quit smoking. Probably not this year, but soon.
Save money.
Buy an expensive leather jacket.
Vote.
See what kind of payment plans Tesla offers.
Rewatch all the Lord of the Rings movies in one day with your best buds. Kiss on the lips.
Buy an ironing board so you can stop ironing your shirts on your coffee table.
Ask your best buds if they felt anything when you kissed on the lips while Aragorn was leading the charge against the forces of Mordor during the Battle of Gondor.
Dispute the littering ticket in court.
Ask out the receptionist from the pool. Tell her you moved for work but that you’re back now, because “Corporate” reshuffled.
Write a list of all the books you read in the last six months and make that your Tinder profile.
Try at least once to get through TSA without taking your shoes off.
Stop ending sentences in prepositions.
Go on a third date with one of your best buds and tell him you feel something you’ve never felt before, kind of like how Viggo Mortensen felt something for Liv Tyler in The Fellowship of the Ring, but because he was human and she was an elf they knew it probably could never come to pass.
Sing karaoke. Ask your friends to split the bill three ways because how else are you going to make the payment on your Tesla.
See Hamilton. You already saw it, but come on. It’s not Cats. See it again.
Have a yard sale. Coffee tables double as an ironing board, so don’t let someone talk you down on that one.
