Adolescence is Hard Even When You're an Alien

By Duke Harten

We don’t care what Zorg’s parents said.  Don’t roll your eye. While you’re living in our pod, you play by our rules. And anyone living in our pod doesn’t go sneaking off at two in the morning to play UFOs.

These are people’s lives you’re toying with. Yes, we know—human lives. But lives nonetheless.

Look.  It’s hard to grow up in the Observatory. We get that. First generation colonials like you have never known a real home. But that’s no reason to run off and raise hell every time Zorg says what.

I know what you’re going to say. ‘But Dad did it, too!’ Your father made mistakes when he was your age. Right, Frank? That doesn’t give you license to misbehave. Earthlings have a saying: Do as I say, not as I do.

Think about how you’d feel. Normal guy, wife and kids and a job. Then you see a UFO. Everything goes topsy-turvy. Are you crazy? Are you a kook? Did the government kill Kennedy and fake the moon landing?

We’re not asking much, here. We knew, when we chose to have a boy, that he’d cause a little mischief. But an unauthorized jaunt over Portland? As if the people there aren’t tapped enough already? It’s just foolish, Dennis, and there’s no excuse for it.

We’re not going to report you. The last thing your father needs is Captain Ob breathing down his neck. Not with the abductions they’ve got coming up this month. But we are going to take your signal interceptor for a week.

No, stop. I don’t care that you’ll miss the Silicon Valley premiere. You should’ve thought about that before you and your buddy Zorg decided to go for a joyride.