BROAD CITY
   


BROAD CITY

By

"The One With Fran Drescher"


Cold open
Ext. Central perk - morning
ABBI and ILANA wait in line outside a replica of the beloved CENTRAL PERK from Friends. SIGNAGE announces a meet and greet event with the cast to promote an impending reunion episode.
Ilana
That's what people loved about Friends, dude: the realism. It held a mirror up to friggin' nature, man. It's like, Rachel gets fired from her job and it turns out OK, so, ergo, it's NBFD when I get fired from my job. Monkey see, monkey do, dude.
Abbi
That's not what that means.
Ilana
(rummaging in her purse)
I think I lost my one-hitter.
Abbi
Hey, do we really want to be here?
Ilana
Um, hello? Jo-ey Tribb-i-a-ni? Chand-ler Bing? Mon-i-ca and Ross Gel-ler? Rach-el Green? Phoe-be BUF-FAY?
Abbi
It's just that we've been standing here for like an hour, and we've barely moved. We don't even have anything for them to sign.
Ilana
What do you call these, dude?
She starts to pull down her shirt to expose her breasts, but ABBI stops her.
Abbi
OK, all right. That's plenty.
Ilana
Hey. Who's the sexiest friend?

2.
Abbi
(resigned)
I am.
Ilana
Oh, honey. Yes you are. But I meant, like, who's the sexiest friend.
Abbi
Oh. I don't know. Joey, I guess.
ILANA makes a BUZZER sound.
Ilana
I'm not buying it. Spin again, dude.
Abbi
You're gonna make fun of me.
Ilana
Abbi.
Abbi
I always kind of had a thing for Ross.
ILANA, cognizant of her promise not to make fun, buries her outrage as best she can.
Abbi
See. This is why I didn't want to tell you.
ILANA can only shake her head. She's holding her breath.
Abbi
Go ahead.
ILANA breaks.
Ilana
ROSS?
She walks away, crouches, wrings her hands, stands, returns.
Ilana
Ross, Abbi? Ross?
Abbi
I read about this thing called sapiosexual--

3.
Ilana
Abbi, do you think Ross Geller eats pussy? Because Ross Geller a-does. A-not. A-eat. A-pussy.
Abbi
I just think he's a good dad, and he's really passionate abou--
Ilana
Oh, my God, dude. I thought for sure you were going to say Chandler. Maybe even Monica because of...
She gestures at ABBI, indicating ABBI and MONICA share similar personality traits.
Abbi
Because of what?!
Ilana
Anyway. Mine's Phoebe.
Abbi
Phoebe? Phoebe's worse than Ross!
Ilana
Um, excuse me? Lisa Valerie Kudrow, willowy blonde and six-time Emmy Award Nominee? Yes puhlease.
Abbi
That's so fuckin' weird, dude.
A WOMAN with a MEGAPHONE gets the crowd's attention.
Woman
Attention, friends and fans and fans of Friends.
Polite chuckling.
Woman
(suddenly serious)
The meet and greet is now over. We apologize to any fan who was unable to meet the cast, but we encourage you all to tune in next Thursday at eight seven central for the one-night only Friends Reunion Special, called "The One Where They Reunited." Thank you all for coming.

4.
She steps down amid general unrest. ABBI and ILANA are shocked, and we CUT just as ILANA emits an otherworldly WAIL.
END OF COLD OPEN
INT. Subway station - later
ILANA is dejected, inconsolable, crouched in a fetal position while ABBI looks on.
Abbi
Ilana, I'm sure there will be other chances...
(a beat)
To meet the entire cast of Friends...
(a beat)
Can you at least stand up, please? I don't want people to think I'm, like, your abusive girlfriend.
ILANA stands quickly, revealing a tear-stained face.
Ilana
You might as well be, Abigail.
Abbi
Not my name...
Ilana
I had them, Abbi. I had them in my friggin' hands and I let them slip away. I'll never smell Jen's perfume. I'll never shake Courtney's frail, skeletal hand. I'll never run my fingers through Matt's beautiful silver hair.
Abbi
I don't think he would've let you do that anyway.
Ilana
And to top it all off, I can't find my flippin' one-hitter.
Abbi
Holy shit, Ilana. I think that's Fran Drescher.
Ilana
Fran Drescher is dead, dude.

5.
Abbi
What? No. Fran Drescher's not dead. I think that's her.
Ilana
Where?
Abbi
It's either her or your aunt. Right there.
As the TRAIN approaches, we see a WOMAN who may or may not be FRAN DRESCHER waiting to board. ILANA spots her and something shifts. She's battle ready.
Ilana
Abbi. Do you know what this is?
Abbi
What?
Ilana
(somberly, seriously)
This is gay black female Jesus giving us another chance. The day is not lost, my friend. Not while blood still runs through our veins. Not while we still draw breath. Come.
ABBI is battle ready now too, and we witness the girls struggle through the crowd, running and pushing, to reach FRAN DRESCHER before she boards. The TRAIN comes to a halt and we realize the girls aren't going to make it -- they'll have to board one car down. Amid the jostling to get on, ILANA struggles with her bag. We see the missing ONE-HITTER fall out in SLOW MOTION and clatter to the platform, rolling a short distance away. ABBI and ILANA exchange a glance, and ILANA shoves her bag into ABBI'S arms while she goes out to retrieve the piece. The DOORS CLOSE just before she can reenter the train. The girls are distraught, and as the train pulls away, ILANA shouts a simple directive.
Ilana
Don't lose Drescher!
The TRAIN departs, leaving ILANA alone on the platform. She shrugs, blows on the one hitter, and pulls a dusty nug from her pocket to pack the thing.

6.
INT. TRAIN - CONTINUOUS
ABBI peers through the windows at FRAN DRESCHER, comparing the woman to photos of DRESCHER she's googled on her phone. It's definitely her. ABBI pulls up Twitter and scrolls through FRAN DRESCHER'S tweets.
Abbi
"Stop buying pork from Trader Joe's. All industrial farmed animals are living Dickensian lives. Bad for eating and bad for karma." OK...
ABBI continues scrolling.
Abbi
"Go organic and cut back on plastic. Be grateful you're alive. See the world with wide-eyed wonder, and make kindness and compassion your compass." I actually kind of like that one.
The TRAIN stops and FRAN DRESCHER gets off. ABBI hurriedly jostles her way out, bearing both her and Ilana's bags. As she pursues FRAN DRESCHER out of the subway station, she fumbles to get her phone out and call ILANA. We hear RINGING come from ILANA's bag, and ABBI realizes what has happened.
Abbi
Shit.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY
ILANA wanders through CENTRAL PARK, asking passersby the same question and getting brushed off over and over.
Ilana
Do you have a lighter? Do you have a lighter? Excuse me miss, do you happen to have a lighter on you? Sir, lighter? Sparkpiece? Fuego? Motherlover, how does nobody in this goddamn city have a lighter?
She flips off everybody in a 360-degree twirl. A lone TEENAGER on a bench calls out.
TEENAGER
Yo. You need a light?

7.
Ilana
Oh, my God. Finally! Yeah, dude, thank you. I'm like, fiending.
She sits down next to him and inhales her one-hitter. She proffers it, but he declines.
Teenager
No, I'm good. I was just about to spark this.
He pulls out a FAT JOINT. ILANA is rapt; a golden light glows on her face much like the briefcase scenes from Pulp Fiction.
Teenager
You down?
Ilana
(rhetorically)
Am I down?
Teenager
Word.
He lights it up, takes a hit, and passes the joint to ILANA. She holds it like precious cargo, admiring it for a moment before inhaling. She COUGHS heartily on the exhale.
Teenager
Good, right?
Ilana
Gay black female Jesus Christ, dude. That shit is dank. You want me to throw five on this?
Teenager
Throw five?
Ilana
Like, five bucks.
Teenager
(amused)
Oh, no. I pay, like, twenty an eighth for this stuff.
Ilana
(incredulous)
Twenty an eighth?
Teenager
Yeah. What do you pay?

8.
Ilana
(suddenly conscious of her age)
Oh. Like, not that much more. Twenty-five or whatever.
Teenager
Uh huh.
Ilana
How old are you, dude? Shouldn't you be in school?
Teenager
Well it's Sunday...
Ilana
Ah.
Teenager
...and I'm 17.
Ilana
Damn. So close.
Teenager
What?
Ilana
Hey, do you have a phone I could use? My friend and I got separated on the subway and she has all my shit.
Teenager
Hence the no lighter.
Ilana
Hence the no lighter.
TEENAGER gives her his phone.
Teenager
Code's 112358.
Ilana
Fibbonacci sequence. Nice, dude. Very Angels and Demons of you.
Teenager
It's my dad's birthday.
ILANA makes a face and enters the code. She goes to dial the number, then realizes something.

9.
Ilana
Fuck.
Teenager
What?
Ilana
I don't know her number.
Teenager
Just message her on Instagram.
Ilana
Blocked.
Teenager
Facebook?
Ilana
Blocked. Twitter, blocked. LinkedIn, blocked. You post one video of a horse making love to a man on someone's wall and suddenly they're all, "My mom can see this stuff, Ilana, that's bestiality, Ilana."
TEENAGER offers his hand.
Teenager
Carl.
Ilana
Ilana.
Carl
Nice to meet you.
They shake.
Ext./INT. Coffee shop - continuous
ABBI has followed FRAN DRESCHER to a hippie coffee shop. A sign in the window advertises "Cruelty-free beans," which provokes an eye-roll from ABBI. FRAN DRESCHER enters first, and ABBI steels herself for a moment outside before putting her phone to her ear and faking a phone call as she walks in.
Abbi
No, Brian, it's pretty simple. Either you stop shopping at Trader Joe's or you stop being my...whatever we are. If you can't walk the extra four blocks to a store that doesn't treat its animals like livestock...

10.
(fumbling)
like less than livestock...then I don't see a future here. Sleep on it.
With a dramatic flourish, ABBI hangs up the phone and huffs. FRAN DRESCHER has turned around in line, clearly impressed.
Fran
You told him, huh?
abbi
I just can't enjoy my food when I know it spent its life in torturous conditions. Sue me.
Fran
I'm right there with you, honey. I don't step foot in Trader Joe's.
Abbi
I mean, the way these animals live. It's Dickensian is what it is.
Fran
What did you just say?
Abbi
The living conditions are Dickensian.
Fran
That is so weird. I tweeted that exact thing the other day.
Abbi
No.
Fran
Yes!
Abbi
I'm Abbi.
Fran
Fran.
Abbi
Nice to...oh, my God. You're Fran Drescher!

11.
Fran
Don't ask me to do the--
Abbi
Wouldn't dream of it.
Fran
I like you already.
She looks at her watch
Fran
Hey, do you have time for a cup of coffee? I'm meeting my agent at noon, but she's always late.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - CONTINUOUS
ILANA strolls alongside CARL while he slowly pedals his bike.
Carl
Can you email her?
Ilana
I don't know my password. I just keep it logged in on my phone.
Carl
What happens when you get a new phone?
ILANA makes a face like this should be super obvious.
Ilana
Uh, I get a new email, dude.
Carl
What if you DM one of your mutual friends on Instagram and have them get in touch for you?
Ilana
Holy shit, yes! Brilliant!
Carl
Here.
He stops the bike and is pulling out his phone when a thought occurs to him.
Carl
Do you know your Instagram password?

12.
Ilana
Oh. No.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - CONTINUOUS
FRAN DRESCHER and ABBI enjoying a cup of coffee.
Fran drescher
Won't she just use someone else's phone to call you?
Abbi
Oh, she doesn't know my number. I'm not even sure she knows her own.
Fran drescher
Sounds like quite the character.
Abbi
Comes from a long line of them. Actually, you look exactly like her aunt. Here, check this out.
She shows FRAN DRESCHER a photo of ILANA'S AUNT.
Abbi
Uncanny, right?
Fran drescher
Eh.
ABBI is dumbfounded that DRESCHER doesn't see the resemblance, but the conversation moves on.
Fran drescher
So, what are you gonna do?
Abbi
I don't know. She's pretty upset about the whole thing. She could be anywhere.
Fran drescher
I wasn't surprised when they pulled the plug right at eleven. I would've stayed later. For the fans, you know? But those smug fuckers are as stingy with their time as they are with their money.
Abbi
What do you mean?

13.
Fran drescher
Oh, David's all right, for the most part. And Matt's OK. But Courtney? Jen? Let's just put it this way: Brad Pitt made the right choice.
Abbi
(scandalized)
No...
Fran drescher
Oh, you bet. Worst of them all is Lisa Kudrow. What a B-I-T-C-double hockey sticks that woman is.
Abbi
(whispering)
Lisa Valerie Kudrow?
Fran drescher
The very same.
Abbi
I can't believe it.
Fran drescher
But listen to me go. I'm dispatching negative energies into the world. Poisoning the ecumenical well from which we all draw our spiritual water. That is very un-Drescher.
She breathes deeply with her eyes closed.
Fran drescher
I've upset my karmic balance, Abbi. I must atone.
She suddenly slaps herself in the face very hard in rapid succession.
Fran drescher
Bad Drescher! Bad Drescher!
Abbi
Whoa, whoa. Fran. I think there might be another way.
FRAN DRESCHER looks up, breathing heavily and face red.
Fran drescher
How?

14.
Ext. Central park - continuous
ILANA and CARL sitting in the grass smoking another JOINT.
Ilana
OK. So you slide into Bevers' DMs and explain the sitch. Bevers texts Abbi, Abbi replies to Bevers, Bevers DMs you back, boom. Problem solved. It's Kevin Bacon IRL, dude.
Carl
How do you not know your own phone number?
Ilana
Hey, Freaks and Geeks. What I don't need right now is judgment. Mmkay? Chop chop.
Carl
What do you want me to say?
Ilana
I don't know. Make it sound urgent.
INT. ABBI'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
BEVERS reclines on the couch in a TANK TOP, shoveling SMART FOOD into his mouth and laughing at something on TV. Presently, his phone VIBRATES and he checks it. A look of horror crosses his face and he emits a shrill SCREAM.
BEVERS
ABBI! ABBI!
He dials the phone frantically.
BEVERS
ABBI! ABBI! ABBI!
EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
ABBI and FRAN DRESCHER walk side by side. DRESCHER is clearly discomfited and focuses on deep breathing.
FRAN DRESCHER
I can't do it, Abbi. I can't face her. Not after what she said at the Rhododendron Awareness Charity Ball.

15.
Abbi
Well, I think there's wrong on both sides.
Fran drescher
Do I go to her Charity Balls and tell her flowers can't go extinct? I don't think so.
Abbi
You're being the bigger person, Fran. You're balancing your karmic...balance.
Her phone VIBRATES.
Abbi
Oh, Bevers. Come on.
(answers)
Hello?
INTERCUT with BEVERS.
Bevers
ABBI! ABBI!
ABBI
What is it, Bevers?
BEVERS
ABBI, IT'S ILANA. SHE'S MISSING WITH A TEEN IN CENTRAL PARK.
Abbi
What? Do you know where Ilana is?
Bevers
WITH A TEEN, ABBI. SHE'S WITH A TEEN AND SHE NEEDS TO FIND YOU.
Abbi
OK. Slow down. How do you know where Ilana is, Bevers? Did she call you?
BEVERS
THE TEEN, ABBI. THE TEEN'S INSTAGRAM. HE'S WITH ILANA AND IT'S A 9-1-1 EMERGENCY, ABBI, IT'S LIFE OR DEATH HE SAYS.

16.
Abbi
OK, listen, Bevers. I need you to tell Ilana to meet me at the Park South Hotel. Can you do that? It's very important you get that message to her. The Park South Hotel. You got it?
BEVERS
PARK SOUTH HOTEL. I GOT IT. I'M COMING, ABBI.
Abbi
What? No, Bevers, you don't have to--
But it's too late. BEVERS has ended the call. ABBI and FRAN DRESCHER come to a stop outside the PARK SOUTH HOTEL. FRAN DRESCHER looks up in dread at the edifice -- this is where her arch-rival LISA KUDROW is staying.
Abbi
Come on, Fran. One step at a time.
Like AENEAS into the UNDERWORLD, the two women go forth into the dark of the LOBBY.
Int. Abbi's apartment - continuous
A series of FAST CUTS:
(1) BEVERS pulling clothes on.
(2) BEVERS calling an UBER.
(3) BEVERS chugging a SUNKIST.
(4) BEVERS running downstairs.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
Continuing the FAST CUTS:
(1) BEVERS in the UBER, backseat driving.
(2) BEVERS stopping the UBER, getting out, SPRINTING into CENTRAL PARK.
(3) BEVERS grabbing ILANA and CARL by the hand and ushering them into the UBER.
(4) The UBER careening through Manhattan.
INT. LOBBY BAR AT PARK SOUTH HOTEL - DAY
LISA KUDROW sits at the bar and talks to the BARTENDER, a young man who seems largely bored by her.

17.
Lisa kudrow
I don't drink out of plastic cups, because, you know. The fluorocarbons.
Fran drescher (o.s.)
KUDROW.
LISA KUDROW flinches at the sound of her enemy's voice. She turns slowly in her seat, wielding her MARTINI GLASS.
Lisa kudrow
Francesca.
Fran drescher
Long time.
Lisa kudrow
You were at the meet and greet.
(She checks her watch)
Like, an hour ago. Not even.
Fran drescher
Well, I meant, like, before that. Long time.
Lisa kudrow
I guess. I saw you at the flower fundraiser thing a few months ago, though, no?
Fran drescher
Oh. I'd forgotten.
Lisa kudrow
Who's this?
Fran drescher
This is Abbi.
Abbi
Hi, Ms. Kudrow. I'm a big...
She's stopped from declaring her fanhood by a SHARP GLANCE from FRAN DRESCHER.
Abbi
...shot. In...rhododendron circles. Not to brag. I was, um, instrumental in saving the East Jamaican Rhododendron from certain annihi--

18.
Fran drescher
OK, Abbi.
Abbi
OK.
Lisa kudrow
Ah, another one of your flower children. Why am I not surprised?
Fran drescher
This one doesn't care much for your silly show, but her girlfriend was devastated when you and the fab five cut things short this morning. I told her: typical Kudrow.
Lisa kudrow
Is that right?
Abbi
She's not my girlfriend...
Lisa kudrow
Listen honey, if it was up to me I'd be there signing t-shirts and singing The Rembrandts all day. You got a bone to pick, pick it with Schwimmer. He's the one who was so antsy to get out of Dodge.
Fran drescher
Listen to that, Abbi. Can you hear that?
She inclines her ear to the ground, listening intently. ABBI shifts from foot to foot, not quite sure where to look.
Fran drescher
Bump bump. Bump bump. Hear it?
Abbi
Um...
Fran drescher
That's the sound of poor David being thrown right under the bus.
Lisa kudrow
Oh, fuck you, Fran.
Fran drescher
Nice. Real nice!

19.
Lisa kudrow
The only reason you hate me is because David wouldn't fuck you with a ten foot pole!
Fran drescher
Oh! Oh!
At that moment, ILANA, CARL, and BEVERS burst into the lobby. ILANA and LISA KUDROW lock eyes, and all else FADES AWAY as the two gaze upon each other. ABBI takes a few steps back to make room. ILANA staggers forward, arm outstretched toward LISA KUDROW. There are half-second FLASHES of different PHOEBE scenes that tick through ILANA'S memory as she struggles to make the final walk to LISA KUDROW. The moment is nearly religious for all onlookers. As ILANA draws closer, she can't take it anymore. Her eyes roll back in her head and she stumbles forward, fainting onto the hard marble floor. All FADES TO BLACK...
Int. Hospital room - later
Darkness. MURMURING VOICES in the distance, indistinguishable. Light appears, dim at first, then brighter and brighter until it's blinding. A host of blurry figures hover over us as we share ILANA'S POV.
Ilana
Fran...Lisa...
Abbi
See? I told you. She thinks it's you.
We now see the room clearly, and the people assembled there: ILANA'S mother BOBBI, AUNT BEV, and ABBI.
Bobbi
Oh, give it up, Abbi. They look nothing alike. She's delirious.
Aunt bev
She doesn't know where she is.
Ilana
Where...where am I?
Bobbi
Hello, Ilana. You're at the hospital. This kid. Too frickin' stoned to know what a hospital looks like.

20.
Abbi
I mean, she did hit her head on the marble floor.
Aunt bev
Ilana? Can you hear us?
Ilana
Where's...Lisa...?
Bobbi
Jesus Christ.
Abbi
She's not here, Ilana. They said family only.
Bevers (o.s.)
Hi, Ilana.
We PULL BACK TO REVEAL BEVERS.
Abbi
Which I guess includes Bevers, somehow.
Bevers
I'm not leaving you, Ilana.
BOBBI and AUNT BEV give him a strange look and ILANA collapses back on the bed.
EXT. Central perk - day
ABBI and ILANA stroll past the site of yesterday's meet-and-greet. ABBI is holding her phone up to ILANA.
Ilana
I really don't see it.
Abbi
Are you kidding? They're identical.
Ilana
Look, I'm sorry, I just don't see it.
ABBI huffs and puts her phone away.
Ilana
Hey, Abbs. You didn't have to stay at the hospital overnight, you know.

21.
Abbi
Oh, I didn't. Once Bevers said he wasn't leaving, I booked it out of there. I haven't had my apartment to myself in God knows how long. I wasn't letting that opportunity go to waste. I came back early this morning.
Ilana
Did you jerk off like a hundred times?
Abbi
Gross.
Ilana
How many times?
Abbi
Ilana, stop.
Ilana
More than three?
ABBI remains silent.
Ilana
YAS, Queen. Get it.
She spanks ABBI lightly on the butt. They pause outside CENTRAL PERK. ILANA sighs.
Ilana
I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Abbi
Maybe not. But hey, at least you got the signature.
Ilana
What?
Abbi
I said at least you got the signature.
ILANA doesn't understand, but then ABBI keeps looking pointedly at ILANA'S breast, and the truth dawns on ILANA.
Ilana
(whispering)
No...

22.
Abbi
Take a look, rock star.
Ilana
No...friggin'...way....
She slowly pulls down her shirt to reveal LISA KUDROW'S signature on her right breast.
Abbi
I had her do it in the commotion. Nobody else saw.
Ilana
Abbi...how can I ever thank you?
Abbi
Don't worry about it, dude.
Ilana
No. Abbi. I'm serious. I can never repay you.
Abbi
Really, Ilana, it was no trouble.
They start to walk away, and their voices drift away from us as we watch them go.
Ilana
No, Abbi. I don't think you get it. I'm fucking jizzing right now. I'm like, rock hard. I mean, LISA KUDROW?
Abbi
OK.
Ilana
I'm going to fuck my own tit tonight. Do you know that? I'm going to literally fuck my own tit.
Their voices FADE COMPLETELY, and we CUT TO:
INT. AMBULANCE - DAY
SIRENS WAIL. An unconscious ILANA is flanked by two PARAMEDICS and ABBI.
Abbi
Please. You don't know how much this will mean to her.

23.
Paramedic 1
I make thirteen bucks an hour, man, do whatever you want.
Paramedic 2
Yeah. Go for it.
Abbi
Thank you so much, guys.
ABBI produces a SHARPIE and gingerly exposes ILANA'S breast, where she scrawls LISA KUDROW'S signature. She looks up at the PARAMEDICS, who are less than impressed.
Abbi
It's kind of hard to explain.
The three of them sit in silence for a long, awkward moment.
Paramedic 1
You wanna, um...
He gestures to ILANA'S boob.
Abbi
Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry.
She hastily covers the breast.
END.