Pollack-Surrey Reverse Gay Conversion Therapy Camp is a week-long retreat designed to reprogram your sexual circuitry and make you a healthier, happier you. Did it work for me? You bet your gay ass it did.

The first part of the reprogramming happens before you even step foot in Pollack-Surrey. They send you a digital packet designed to diagnose your level of heterosexuality and subsequently strip your brain of its socially-constructed distaste for gay sex. Their main argument? The Greeks did it, and animals do it, and tons of gay dudes do it. Part of becoming gay is shedding the natural revulsion for other guys’ penises, and let me tell you—once you realize that dudes were fucking other dudes as far back as Ancient Greece? It doesn’t seem so gross.

Next step is they assign you a sexual midwife. Mine was named Doug. (The staff-to-client ratio at Pollack-Surrey is 1:1, which, for six grand a week, it better be!) Doug gets in touch with you a few weeks before camp begins to take your temperature about gay stuff. “Chris Evans crawls into bed with you for some light spooning,” Doug says over the phone. “How comfortable do you feel? Very comfortable, somewhat comfortable, somewhat uncomfortable, very uncomfortable.”

Based on his survey, Doug ranks you on Pollack-Surrey’s modified version of the Kinsey Scale called Flaming Arrow. (I got Yardstick, which isn’t as straight as an Arrow, but not as good as Flamer.)

Once you arrive at Pollack-Surrey, you’re assigned to a house with the other men of your rank. Yardstick House had fourteen guys in it. My favorite is Kevin, an ex-jock who says he’s grown tired of his toxic masculinity and poor taste in shoes and is ready to do whatever it takes to start living his best life.

The first day is mostly icebreakers—it ends with a frozen yogurt social where they let you taste the flavors by licking them off the pastry chef’s index finger. At first I’m like, wow, they’re not wasting any time here. But then I’m like, well, for six grand, I better start sucking on some fingers.

The next two days are a series of trust-building exercises and lectures on gay culture. We learn the benefits of being a power bottom, how to feel about Billy Eichner, and the difference between bears and otters. Kevin and I dry hump during one of the dry humping exercises. Neither of us is able to achieve an erection, but hey, it’s still early.

On day four they have an intramural dodgeball tournament, and I make friends with a guy from Theatre Major House. He’s soft spoken and has feminine features. I let him give me a hand job in the woods but I keep my eyes closed the whole time and even think about my ex-girlfriend Michelle at one point. Doug assures me this is OK. “The road to homosexuality is paved with straight distractions,” he says.

On day five we all go shopping. At one point I find myself sitting on a bench scrolling through Instagram instead of telling the other guys I think they look awesome in their outfits, but Kevin comes to the rescue. “Come on, dude,” he says, pulling me off the bench and out of my funk. “I found a jacket that is so you.”

Day six is for sexual exploration. I pair off with a guy who looks like John Slattery and we watch Top Gun alone in my room. He goes down on me and I swear, it feels just like a girl. I doze off before I can come, but Doug tells me later that I’m doing a great job, jizz or no jizz.

On the final day, all the houses gather in the mess hall for a farewell dinner. I notice a few of the guys from Yardstick House walk funny (because of anal sex) but I’m pleased to see that Kevin isn’t one of them. I give him my card and we promise to keep in touch now that we’re both gay.

When I get home, I call my dad and come out of the closet. He’s really supportive, which is kind of disappointing—it almost feels like I’m not getting the genuine gay experience. But then we end up talking about our feelings, which is a cool new skill that I picked up from being gay, so everything’s OK in the end.

Pollack-Surrey changed my life. I recommend it to anybody sick of living as a straight man. Five stars. Also, Doug was great!!!