By Duke Harten
Stephen Pearl, a black man, was pulled over for speeding in his 2011 Hyundai Elantra and safely subdued by police via fatal gunfire last night.
“I thought he had a weapon,” said Officer Roger Davies, the hero who heroically fired on Pearl moments after Officer James Bruckner stepped out of the police cruiser to approach Pearl’s vehicle.
“The fact that he was African American didn’t even cross our minds,” said Bruckner.
Police Commissioner Brian Madsen commended his men in a statement released shortly after the incident, which many in the community are saying was “a close call” and “something that could’ve turned out much worse.” Madsen remarked: “I’m proud of Officers Davies and Bruckner for their cool-headedness in a time of immense stress. It just goes to show how important proper training is for law enforcement, in terms of keeping the community safe.”
Not everyone in that community agrees with Commissioner Madsen. Janice Frank, a black person, wondered whether thirty-six bullets were necessary to restrain Mr. Pearl. “I mean, they had to reload,” said Frank. And Don Lucius, another black person, called the event “really weird.”
Supporters of Davies and Bruckner point to Mr. Pearl’s internet search history, which contains things like “Ocean’s 12 free streaming full movie,” and “free Old Navy promo codes.”
“Look, the guy was no saint,” said PTA board president Amy Ronson. “Our police officers are out there day and night, risking life and limb to keep us safe—then this freeloading loser decides to play fast and loose with the speed limit. What would you have done?”
Officers from surrounding jurisdictions have been linguistically vague about the Pearl incident. “That was surely something,” said one officer (who prefers to remain anonymous) after being shown dashboard footage of Davies dragging Pearl’s corpse from the car and unloading eight rounds into the man’s groin.
There will, of course, be an internal investigation into whether Davies and Bruckner acted appropriately. Commissioner Madsen is confident his men will be vindicated. “Even the briefest look at Mr. Pearl’s past will show a penchant for crime and wrongdoing,” said Madsen. “This is a man who was suspended from middle school for having fireworks in his locker; who overdrafted his checking account twice in the last five years; who, by all accounts, posted spoilers about the Red Wedding on Facebook literally minutes after the episode ended.”
Mr. Pearl is survived by his wife Joanna (black person) and two children (also black). A memorial service will be held at the Wesley United Methodist Church on Thursday at 4:00 pm.