By Duke Harten

   
Int. Parks department - election night
The Parks Department staff is watching election coverage. Leslie is front and center, wearing a pantsuit, an "I Voted" sticker, a #1 foam glove, and a Clinton hair-do. Jerry enters with a cake, oblivious to the room's gloomy mood.
Jerry
Hey, gang! I brought you some of Gayle's famous election cake.
Tom
Jesus, Jerry! Nobody wants your wife's terrible cake right now. We're watching orange Hitler take over the world.
Ron
Have some respect, Jerry. Our political system is failing and nobody can do anything to stop it.
Ron grins at camera.
April
Stop it, guys. Leslie is having a really hard time with this.
Ben
Thank you, April.
April
You're welcome, lesbian Owen Wilson's husband.
April glances at camera.
Ann
Leslie, it's going to be OK. Come on, let's shut the TV off and go to the Snakehole.
Tom looks excited.
Leslie
Shut up, Ann.
April
Jesus, Ann.

2.
Leslie
I'm sorry, Ann. I didn't mean that. You're a gorgeous liberal angel with beautiful hair and good skin and any guy would be lucky to have you.
April
Nasty woman.
Ann looks at camera.
Andy
I'm sorry, Leslie. I know what it's like to watch your hero get beaten.
Cut to: andy interview
Andy
(doing Bane impression)
Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it!
Cut to: parks department
Leslie
Thank you, Andy.
Cut to: andy interview
Andy
(doing Bane impression)
I was wondering what would break first...your spirit, or your body?
Andy reenacts Bane lifting Batman and then snapping him in half, using Tom as Batman. Andy walks around, hands raised in victory, while Tom lies "broken" on the ground.
CUT TO: parks department
Ron
Leslie, I'll tell you what my father told me when he lost a woodworking competition to our neighbor. "Son, sometimes your role models let you down. When that happens, it's up to you to pick up the pieces and become your own role model."
CUT TO: ron interview

3.
Ron
I moved out that day. I lived alone for five years, learning how to be a man. Didn't speak to my old man again until I turned 18.
Cut to: parks department
Donna
He's right, Leslie. Y'all can't let yourself get down about Hillary losing. You gotta buck up and be a role model for all these other little girl nerds who wanna do politics.
Jean-Ralphio enters.
Jean-ralphio
Did I hear the sweet sweet Meagle steezle chirping my name? A-hallo?
Ron
My God.
Tom
Jean-Ralphio!
Donna
Oh, hell no.
Jean-ralphio
TOMMY SALAMI. Give me twelve.
Jean-Ralphio gives Tom a double high five and then holds up his index fingers and makes Tom touch them like E.T.
Jean-ralphio
One for each sultry swinger that Mr. Big Hands Build-a-Wall Donnie T. himself grabbed by the pu--
Ben
OK. OK. That's enough. They've called it. We don't need to watch anymore. April, do you have the remote?
April puts the remote in the cake.
April
No.

4.
Andy and Ben look at the camera. Andy covers his mouth in mischievous amusement.
Jean-ralphio
Tell me, Lezzle Ka-zezzle: You want some of this bad hombre?
Leslie
Oh, my God, Jean-Ralphio.
Ben
You know I'm her husband, right?
Jean-ralphio
Her what now?
Chris Traeger enters.
Chris
Guys, you will not believe it. I have literally the best news in the entire universe.
Leslie lights up with hope.
Tom
Free cockie-cocks at the Snakehole?
Cut to: tom interview
Tom
Cocktails. Admittedly not my best effort. Off-the-cuff dope slang isn't a precise science.
Cut to: parks department
Chris
I was just rekindling an old flame with Millicent Gergich when the most amazing thought struck me.
April
What does "rekindling an old flame" mean, Chris?
Chris
Full disclosure: we were having sexual intercourse. Jerry, I want you to know we used two different types of protection.

5.
Jerry
Oh, jeez.
Cut to: chris interview
Chris
All natural organic lambskin condom, and natural family planning. You can never be too careful.
Cut to: parks department
Leslie
(dejectedly)
What's the good news, Chris? Did Zayn rejoin One Direction?
Tom
Damn, Leslie, don't play!
Jean-ralphio
(disgusted)
My God. Would you joke about 9/11?
Ron looks at camera.
April
Yeah, Chris, what's the good news? Did Ann's board games come alive like Jumanji and now her whole house is wrecked and she's homeless and has to live in the weird pit by her house like a tent person?
Andy looks at camera and puts a finger to his lips, shushing us.
Chris
Not exactly. While I was making tender, passionate, and -- quite frankly -- transcendent love to Millicent Gergich--
Jerry
Chris, you really don't need to--
All
Shut up, Jerry!
Chris
An epiphany struck me. Who is the most powerful man in the world?

6.
Tom
Mark Zuckerberg.
Andy
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Ann
Barack Obama?
April
Orin.
Ron
Steven Jobs.
Cut to: ron interview
Ron
Any man who can convince billions of people to carry a tracking device that they consistently update with personal information is a powerful man.
(looks off screen, as if listening to someone)
He's dead?
(a beat)
Fine. The electric car guy, then.
Cut to: parks department
Donna
Jay Z.
Jean-ralphio
(singing)
Matthew Day-ay-mon.
(talking)
Matt Damon. Star of "Elysium."
Jerry
I'm gonna have to go with Tom, here. I think Mark Zuckerberg holds a lot of--
Tom
Jesus, Jerry! Can I change my vote?
Ben
Can I answer?

7.
Tom
We're not talking about dungeon masters, Ben, we're talking about the real world. Roll again.
Leslie
No, everybody shut up. Except you, Ann. I didn't mean you. You're an angel.
Ben looks at camera.
Chris
(clearly unsettled by the unexpected responses)
No, Ann Perkins was right. I was talking about President Barack Obama.
Ann
Boo ya!
April
Hey, Ann, AOL Instant Messenger called and they want their away message back.
Ann
That doesn't even...
Tom
Hahahaaaaa! Damn, Ann, what's your Hotmail address?
Ron
Yes, Ann, do you collect pogs?
Everybody looks shocked that Ron is getting in on the fun. There's a moment of silence, then:
Jean-ralphio
Yeah, Ann, what do you...not know where Elizabeth Smart is?
Ben
OK. That's more than enough. Jean-Ralphio, you have to go. Everybody else, get your stuff. We're going to the Snakehole.
Jean-ralphio
(while being pushed out)
Donna baby, you have my number? Tweet me, beep me, if you wanna reach me, peachy, preach, B!

8.
(screeches)
Screechy! Get it, Donna?
As people gather their jackets, we see Leslie still dumbfounded in front of the TV.
Leslie
This is the worst night of my life.
Ron
I know it seems hopeless right now, Leslie, but life goes on. Good always triumphs over evil in the long run. That's why we're here.
Leslie
You sound like one of Ben's board games.
Donna
Hey, what was your point, Chris? About the most powerful man in the world?
Chris
Well, I knew that in a situation like this, Leslie would be literally devastated. And I thought: the only person who could cheer her up is one of her greatest heroes.
Leslie
Joe Biden? Is it Joe Biden? Ben, go away. Put yourself in a closet. Is Joe Biden here?
Chris
Leslie, don't be absurd. I don't know Joe Biden.
Cut to: chris interview
CHRIS
But I did play squash with Barack Obama for three years in college.
Cut to: parks department
Joe Biden enters the room. Everybody except Andy freezes, starstruck.

9.
Joe biden
I heard there's a nasty woman in need of some emotional healin'.
Leslie Knope faints.
Andy
Oh, my God! Chris, you got her grandpa to come here?
THE END.